Thoughts on my sister Rosalind

Yesterday, June 4 would have been my sister's 77 th birthday. In November it will be two years since she died. She had many health problems the last 15 years of her life. I tried to be there for her in many ways but do not believe it made much of a difference. I loved her much but do not know if she cared about me. I knew very little of her life. She led a very bohemian life in California. She was married three times and never found happiness. We spoke frequently all our life but very rarely really communicated.

She was 4 1/2 yrs older than I was. My mother made her drag me around with her part of the time while growing up in Alabama. She was always a pretty, popular and very social gal. I was the shrinking violet wanting to crawl into a hole if anyone as much glanced my way. The two of us were as different as night and day. She was the oldest and always got her way. We always shared a bedroom while growing up.

Once she went away to college she never returned. She married at twenty and eventually she and her husband ended up in California where they got divorced after living there several years. She went to Berkley and got her degree and then her masters. She taught anthropology. I believe after the divorce she went wild and did what she could to survive. She married again but the marriage was only a few years. She lived in LA with her second husband and then Indiana as I remember where she met husband three who was a student at Purdue. They moved to Northern California after he graduated. Eventually this marriage fell apart and they were divorced.

The third divorce finished her off mentally and she never recovered. We (her family) never really knew what happened. I do believe she had some mental illness. She had epilepsy and had many seizures. Not being a physician, I have no idea of ramifications of all these seizures.

Although she was my sister, I really never had a close relationship or felt that she cared about me. Sure we spoke on the phone and visited a few times but there was nothing there. For that I am very sad. She adored our mum and spoke with her almost every day.

Life is strange. Even tho we did not have much of a relationship, I grieve for her. I think of her often and wish things could have been different.

Our younger brother took it upon himself to become her guardian after she fell apart. I am eternally grateful. I was taking care of our mother at this point and she was living with me. I know my brother resented having to take this burden upon himself  and maybe he just should have let the state do it. She never had children. Her nephews never did anything I guess because she ignored them for the most part. I wished they had stepped up to the plate a little, just to give my brother a little relief. Guess they never saw it that way. Life is a two way street and he never would have asked them for help. They were all old enough but cared not to do anything. It made me sad to see this.

I am sorry dear Rosalind that we never really had a relationship once we grew up. I could have used a sister many times. I hope you and mum are together in heaven with our father.

January 24, 2015

Saturday January 24, 2015

Much has happened since my last post. My children came and visited me for my birthday. It was great. I have a wonderful family. It took them five years to get here. I really wanted them to see where I lived, who Alberto is, what my life is like etc. I hope they enjoyed it v

I have become a diabetic and struggle with what not to eat. I have also been diagnosed with an in curable blood disease that I must reckon with for the rest of my life. It petrified me but there is no cure only management with pills.

I have days when I am terribly depressed, days when I dare not leave the house as the medicines are playing havoc with my tummy. I don't complain. No one wants to hear it so I just try to have a little fun with Alberto. He is always happy. I observe and try to learn from him. I get tired very easily and have no stamina to do much. My head says one thing and my body something else.

I probably should have stayed in California but I did not want to be there. My support group is there but in all essence I am alone. After becoming a widow I never tried to meet men to have a relationship of some kind. No one could measure up to my husband. Now I am too old. It is going on 22 years without him. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him and miss him.

I struggle with weight and managed to lose 20 lbs but need to lose much more.   In my head I know I would feel better but cannot seem to do what I should to just get the job done.

Ron and Lee work so very hard. Too many hours. They are so lucky to have such great spouses and children. I adore them all. Just wish I did not live so far away from them. Perhaps I will win the powerbalk tonite and solve my problem. I can only dream b