Day after Thanksgiving

Just cannot believe how old and lonely and depressed that I feel. Just do not know what is wrong with me. I could not live in California and just feel as if I belong nowhere. I no longer believe that life is real, just a perception that comes and goes. Am I going stark raving mad>\?

I realize that living alone for so many years has done a job on me. My kids did not think ennough of me to come and visit and left me alone for years on end. Yes, they spoke to me on the telephone and I guess it was okay while I was busy working but it still did a job on me. I am not saying they are to blame. I have become a real loner and just don't care about much now. Just see myself continuing to age and die whenever the lord sees fit. I have never recovered over the death of my hubby 17 years ago. I thought I did but evidently not. I have come to terms with living by myself. People really care about themselves and are happy keeping you at arms length. Yes, they speak to you but really care nothing about you. That is what is wrong with the world today. I try not to be that way and continually go out of my way for whomever, whenever. I enjoy helping people but I guess most do not.

My brother holds me at arms length. I am sure he is petrified of becoming my "keeper" as he does for my sister and I don't blame him for this. I would not want the responsibility myself. His relationship with me has been a big disappointment. Yes, he wanted me in California but he did not want to accommodate me into his life but in a very minute way. I felt like an outsider in the biggest of ways. My sister in law had no time for me. Tedd was the most generous with his time. I had a nervous breakdown there and cried for months. The loss of Beau, my precious pet set me over the edge. Neighbors on both sides who did not want to look at you and the general coldness of people there was astounding. I felt as if I might be a leper or something. A kesson well learned even if expensive. I must have been crazy to listen to them. I might as well be lonely where I like my surroundings. They will never understand what happened and just look at me as if I am crazy.

Maybe life experiences make you tougher, I do not know. Not having a spouse or special whatever is awful. It is my life tho and I have to accept it. Men my age are looking for 20 year olds and I cannot compete with this. Guess I sound like a broken record. Enough of this.

Well I am back. It is night now. I have been thinking about Thanksgiving. I will certainly miss my family this year but don't care if I am by myself or not. My girlfriend is coming over with a turkey and her husband. I just cannot get excited. I have a feeling that life is not really real. It is just a perception. It is a fantasy. Are we really here? Are we just a thought, maybe nobody is really here.

I have a new puppy, his name is Alberto and he is a doll. I still miss by Beau a lot. I have not forgotten about him whatsoever. This guy has a great personality for which I am grateful. We are attending puppy kindergarten. He is class clown. After about 45 minutes, he is ready to leave or start playing with other dogs. He is cute as can be. Totally disrupts the class with his barking and biting on his leash that bothers his teacher, Miss Susan. We have lots ofwork to do to try and catch up. I had flu last week and got behind. Thought I was going to die. I did not crate him as I thought what if I die, he will be stuck in a cage. I think of death quite often. You cannot reach this age without thinking of death as you feel as if you are living on borrowed time now. What will be will be. I have no power over it. If g d wants me dead that will happen. I am lucky to have lived this long. I will say that.

Don't think I have much zest for life and wish I did. Just feel really old and watching the world go by and not seeing what I like. No ethics or morals from leaders of any countries. Disgusting. Cannot write anymore today, Monday the whatever of November.

November2- 2010

Well I am back in Florida and my space bar is sticking because the cat mosey likes to walk across the keyboard. I cannot type because of this and will have toget backtothis.