Have never felt so alone in my whole life or been so depressed. Met my son for lunch yesterday where he works. It was nice to be with him and he is a great guy. Am so very proud of him.
Came home and cried. My brother showed up later with mail which he dropped off.
Just wish I knew what would make me happy. I just keep crying. Am really alone with no one. My kids care, in their way but they have their own lives which they should and I just feel alone in the world. My husband was such a great guy and I guess, like most, took him for granted part of the time. He had his flaws but what I wouldn't give to have him back. He died 15 years ago at the age of 49.
Saw my sister in nursing home this morning. Did not stay long as she went to sleep and ignored me. That is the norm for her now. Went shopping and bought some yarn to make a baby afghan for someone having a baby in January. Bought some crackers for dip for Thanksgiving.
Did laundry, tidied up, mopped floors, dusted, etc. Then went to Taco Bell for lunch/dinner as I had not eaten. It rained a little which I guess is very unusual for this part of the country and this time of the year. In Florida where I used to live they would not even count it as rain. Here, it is a big deal.
Going to meet my daughter in law tomorrow saturday where she is going to show me around a different part of California than where I live now. She does not like where I live now.
Just playing on computer endlessly to dull my mind. Feel like I need to run out of here and never come back. Have never hated a place as much as I do this one. Do not know how to go out and meet people here or to make friends. Am retired so I have little contact with the world. How does one go about this? Just don't have the energy required for what I need to do. So I sit and wither and really don't care.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
November 15, 2009
Went and visited my sister in nursing home this morning. She had a big smile for me.
Left and wandered around Costco to try and shake off depression. Bought some wine for host for Thanksgiving where I am going. Had a slice of pizza and a coke to waste time. Came home and tried to clean up some of the stuff on my desk.
Nothing in my life seems to have any meaning to me. The joye de vivre, no anything. It is like I have given up.
Yesterday on Sunday, I went to a synagogue book fair. It turned out to be mostly jewelry and crafts and very few books. Thought people might be a little friendly but they were not. Bought two small books and a dreidel for my grandson. Hope he likes them.
My brother and his wife kindly invited me to go to dinner with them which I did. They had their friend with them. It was pleasant and then came home to same bleakness.
I really just want to leave all material things here, walk out and go somewhere that I can afford to be. Just cannot take much more of this. Know it is up to me to change this but I don't seem to be able to do so. I cried my eyes out last night and could not stop. Finally went to sleep. Am really frightened. Just don't give a damn about anything.
Put some clothes out for charity that is to come around but lost the paper to attach. Home they take it anyway.
Left and wandered around Costco to try and shake off depression. Bought some wine for host for Thanksgiving where I am going. Had a slice of pizza and a coke to waste time. Came home and tried to clean up some of the stuff on my desk.
Nothing in my life seems to have any meaning to me. The joye de vivre, no anything. It is like I have given up.
Yesterday on Sunday, I went to a synagogue book fair. It turned out to be mostly jewelry and crafts and very few books. Thought people might be a little friendly but they were not. Bought two small books and a dreidel for my grandson. Hope he likes them.
My brother and his wife kindly invited me to go to dinner with them which I did. They had their friend with them. It was pleasant and then came home to same bleakness.
I really just want to leave all material things here, walk out and go somewhere that I can afford to be. Just cannot take much more of this. Know it is up to me to change this but I don't seem to be able to do so. I cried my eyes out last night and could not stop. Finally went to sleep. Am really frightened. Just don't give a damn about anything.
Put some clothes out for charity that is to come around but lost the paper to attach. Home they take it anyway.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
November 14, 2009
I watch couples together and see them squabble and fight in public. Taking each other for granted, not realizing how fragile life is. You can be here today and tomorrow gone, dead. Generally speaking the fighting and squabbling is over nothing. I get great pleasure in seeing a couple together who are obviously in love. They have a precious gift not to be taken lightly. We each think we have "forever" here but times goes fast and soon you see yourself approaching the end and you wonder "What happened to the time?"
I so loved being a homemaker and taking care of my family. I worked "mother's hours" for a long time and was very lucky to do so. All I ever wanted to be in life was a mother and homemaker. That is how the times were when I was born. My mom had to work after my dad died at the age of 36. I was jealous of all the mothers who stayed home in our neighborhood. Maybe that is why it was so important for me to be an "at home mom". All the kids congregated at our house and I loved every bit of it. Lots of moms would not let the kids in their precious houses. But life is to be lived and if you have to worry over each little thing, I feel sorry for you. Who wants to live in a museum?
I was far from perfect as a mum but I tried my best. No one has instructions when they have a child. No one wants to raise a bad child or neurotic child, or hyper child but it happens in spite of your good intentions. You always want better for your child than you had. You want them to be happy, successful and not have to work as hard as you did. I wonder what the fabulous wealthy want for their child? They have the wealth so what do they wish from their children?
My grandchildren won't remember me. I am too old when they were born. I don't live close to them and don't see them on a daily basis so how could they? I was lucky enough to have my maternal grandparents two streets away from me. My memories of them are priceless treasures. They were quite remarkable people. Never rich, just barely getting by but they had treasures of the soul and mind that are priceless. They worked very hard to get by. Came over from Europe, not even able to speak English, but you better believe that they learned the language. My grandmother who never went to school could write and speak 3 languages. She was not allowed in school. My grandfather could speak four languages. They came to get away from oppressors. My children will never know nor understand what they went through. They never knew them. My grandmother was able to hold my oldest son when he was born. She was blind by then but so proud to hold him and proud of me. I loved her tremendously and think of her most days.
Have been so depressed lately that when I read about someone who died, I think "How lucky can they get?" Am I going crazy or am I crazy already?
Thanksgiving will be here soon and am not in spirit. Usually love it but this year -no no no.
I so loved being a homemaker and taking care of my family. I worked "mother's hours" for a long time and was very lucky to do so. All I ever wanted to be in life was a mother and homemaker. That is how the times were when I was born. My mom had to work after my dad died at the age of 36. I was jealous of all the mothers who stayed home in our neighborhood. Maybe that is why it was so important for me to be an "at home mom". All the kids congregated at our house and I loved every bit of it. Lots of moms would not let the kids in their precious houses. But life is to be lived and if you have to worry over each little thing, I feel sorry for you. Who wants to live in a museum?
I was far from perfect as a mum but I tried my best. No one has instructions when they have a child. No one wants to raise a bad child or neurotic child, or hyper child but it happens in spite of your good intentions. You always want better for your child than you had. You want them to be happy, successful and not have to work as hard as you did. I wonder what the fabulous wealthy want for their child? They have the wealth so what do they wish from their children?
My grandchildren won't remember me. I am too old when they were born. I don't live close to them and don't see them on a daily basis so how could they? I was lucky enough to have my maternal grandparents two streets away from me. My memories of them are priceless treasures. They were quite remarkable people. Never rich, just barely getting by but they had treasures of the soul and mind that are priceless. They worked very hard to get by. Came over from Europe, not even able to speak English, but you better believe that they learned the language. My grandmother who never went to school could write and speak 3 languages. She was not allowed in school. My grandfather could speak four languages. They came to get away from oppressors. My children will never know nor understand what they went through. They never knew them. My grandmother was able to hold my oldest son when he was born. She was blind by then but so proud to hold him and proud of me. I loved her tremendously and think of her most days.
Have been so depressed lately that when I read about someone who died, I think "How lucky can they get?" Am I going crazy or am I crazy already?
Thanksgiving will be here soon and am not in spirit. Usually love it but this year -no no no.
Friday, November 13, 2009
November 13, 2009
Still feeling depressed and blue. Went to nursing home and saw my sister this morning. She seemed happy to see me and actually uttered a few words. Stayed about an hour. Left and went to post office to get stamps.
Came home. Heard my cat yowling but could not find him. Finally after about an hour, I found him inside a chair that has a foot piece that opens. He had crawled upside into that. Will wonders never cease?
Spent rest of day doing laundry, cleaning floors, etc. Spoke with a friend who told me if I am not happy to get out of there (California). Maybe that is what I will do.
Just don't know anything anymore. What is right, what is wrong, what I should be doing with my life. Statistically speaking I have 15 years left. I sure don't want to spend it being this unhappy. Really don't know what would make me happy. Saw that someone won the Mega Millions and gosh darn it was not me. Would that even solve my problems? Probally not but it would sure make my kids happy.
It is my son's 8th wedding anniversary. Am so happy for him and his wife. They truly love each other and are well suited to be together. They have a darling five year old son, that is smart as a whip. They were old to be having their children but that is what happened. It makes it harder but that is life. I was 23 when I had my first child and was considered an old maid because I did not get married until I was 21. Times have changed, haven't they?
Where do people get the strength? Am just worn out. Made some mistakes in my life when I thought I was doing the right thing. Just did not turn out that way. Guess everyone has this thought even though they don't admit it. The trick is to keep moving forward and try to stay positive.
Came home. Heard my cat yowling but could not find him. Finally after about an hour, I found him inside a chair that has a foot piece that opens. He had crawled upside into that. Will wonders never cease?
Spent rest of day doing laundry, cleaning floors, etc. Spoke with a friend who told me if I am not happy to get out of there (California). Maybe that is what I will do.
Just don't know anything anymore. What is right, what is wrong, what I should be doing with my life. Statistically speaking I have 15 years left. I sure don't want to spend it being this unhappy. Really don't know what would make me happy. Saw that someone won the Mega Millions and gosh darn it was not me. Would that even solve my problems? Probally not but it would sure make my kids happy.
It is my son's 8th wedding anniversary. Am so happy for him and his wife. They truly love each other and are well suited to be together. They have a darling five year old son, that is smart as a whip. They were old to be having their children but that is what happened. It makes it harder but that is life. I was 23 when I had my first child and was considered an old maid because I did not get married until I was 21. Times have changed, haven't they?
Where do people get the strength? Am just worn out. Made some mistakes in my life when I thought I was doing the right thing. Just did not turn out that way. Guess everyone has this thought even though they don't admit it. The trick is to keep moving forward and try to stay positive.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Nov. 11, 2009
Today, November 11, 2009. Oh, am I ever feeling blue, down and out, depressed. Went and saw my sister in the nursing home. She had a smile for me, said a very few words in response to my questions and then fell asleep while I was talking with her. I stayed and while. She would periodically open her eyes, smile and drift back off to sleep. After about a half hour I left. Get so depressed seeing her like this. She has no life and her brain seems to be gone.
Went to Costco and bought gas for my automobile. Then wandered aimlessly around the store, wishing I had a normal life, someone special in it to share my life with me. Guess I am not worthy of that. My husband died 16 years ago at the age of 49. I have been alone since then. It has been so very tough.
Leaving Costco I stopped by a park and sat for a while watching people living and being happy with their lives. There was a table of five cooking lunch on a charcoal grill. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. At another table sat a woman reading a book for a while. Then came along a woman with a young child and they ate lunch together. A woman on a bike stopped and swung on the children's swing for a few minutes. I just wanted to cry. Just don't know how to get life back.
The sweet essence of sharing your life with someone you adore taken from you unexpectedly is hard to get over. I had the responibility of taken care of my mum who was 85 at the time. I resented part of it more than I care to remember. I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life and here I had an extra burden. She lived to be 96 and will always be a much better woman than I ever dreamed of being. She knew how to be tough, how to survive, how to have fun. She was always my pillar of strength and I never knew it.
Am thinking seriously about moving back to Florida. Not because I particularly want to go back but I do have friends and a little life there. And I can afford it. California is ridiculously expensive. Just don't have that kind of money. Lost too much in stock market last year. Way too much.
Maybe I have already gone mad and don't know it. I was unhappy in Florida because I was alone with no family members. Now I can't remember why I felt like that. I did get together with people and have somewhat of a social life. It is hell getting old with no one to share your life. Wonder how many feel like I do?
My aunt's husband died before she did. They had retired from Long Island and were having a blast in Florida. She lived in Florida. All her relatives were up north. She stayed in Florida and was tough. Never asked anyone for anything. Just did what she wanted. She was lonely and went out on a date once. It did not work out and she would not go out again. If she got sick, she said nothing, just did what she had to and went about her business. Her daughter wanted her to move back north. She refused. Eventually I found her dead in her house. My mum had had a stroke and I don't think she fully realized what happened. I was crying as I loved her much. My mum kept asking me why I was crying. She knew she had died. That was so unlike my mum. I became her caretaker with very little family support. It was tough as it could be. She ended up in a nursing home and I went and visited her almost every day. Ended up giving up some girlfriends because mum came first.
Went to Costco and bought gas for my automobile. Then wandered aimlessly around the store, wishing I had a normal life, someone special in it to share my life with me. Guess I am not worthy of that. My husband died 16 years ago at the age of 49. I have been alone since then. It has been so very tough.
Leaving Costco I stopped by a park and sat for a while watching people living and being happy with their lives. There was a table of five cooking lunch on a charcoal grill. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. At another table sat a woman reading a book for a while. Then came along a woman with a young child and they ate lunch together. A woman on a bike stopped and swung on the children's swing for a few minutes. I just wanted to cry. Just don't know how to get life back.
The sweet essence of sharing your life with someone you adore taken from you unexpectedly is hard to get over. I had the responibility of taken care of my mum who was 85 at the time. I resented part of it more than I care to remember. I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life and here I had an extra burden. She lived to be 96 and will always be a much better woman than I ever dreamed of being. She knew how to be tough, how to survive, how to have fun. She was always my pillar of strength and I never knew it.
Am thinking seriously about moving back to Florida. Not because I particularly want to go back but I do have friends and a little life there. And I can afford it. California is ridiculously expensive. Just don't have that kind of money. Lost too much in stock market last year. Way too much.
Maybe I have already gone mad and don't know it. I was unhappy in Florida because I was alone with no family members. Now I can't remember why I felt like that. I did get together with people and have somewhat of a social life. It is hell getting old with no one to share your life. Wonder how many feel like I do?
My aunt's husband died before she did. They had retired from Long Island and were having a blast in Florida. She lived in Florida. All her relatives were up north. She stayed in Florida and was tough. Never asked anyone for anything. Just did what she wanted. She was lonely and went out on a date once. It did not work out and she would not go out again. If she got sick, she said nothing, just did what she had to and went about her business. Her daughter wanted her to move back north. She refused. Eventually I found her dead in her house. My mum had had a stroke and I don't think she fully realized what happened. I was crying as I loved her much. My mum kept asking me why I was crying. She knew she had died. That was so unlike my mum. I became her caretaker with very little family support. It was tough as it could be. She ended up in a nursing home and I went and visited her almost every day. Ended up giving up some girlfriends because mum came first.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Today is Tuesday, November 11, 2009. I have been in California for now four months. I do not understand California and wish I were not here. I have a hard time understanding California. It is a huge, diverse state. My image is that people are what I consider to be very "plastic". They profess to be very friendly but there is nothing there. At least on the East Coast of the United States people may be not so very nice all the time but you know where they are coming from. They are honest in their conversations.
I guess this will be the ramblings of a woman going mad. A widow for 16 years and one who has always been a caretaker since grown. First of two chiildren,countless animals, then my mom, after my husband died at the age of 49. I have never been so miserable in my life. Cannot figure out what to do with myself. Moved out here to be close to my son, his wife, and a grandson but they are living an hour away. If I am lucky I get to see them for a few hours on the weekend. They are busy with their lives during the week but make time for me on the weekends, thank God. Finding out I cannot afford to live here. Thinking strongly of going back to Florida where I know I will not become homeless and will have a better lifestyle.
Everything is so expensive here that people have to live outdoors most of the time because their homes are so very small for the most part. You really cannot live decently out here. I went to a flea market and saw people buying this and that and all I could think of is "Where are they going to put it?".
The fruits and vegetables are abundant and gorgeous. The meat and chicken in the store are terrible. I understand why there are so many vegetarians here. The meat in the Safeway is horrible. Does not even look good. Thank God for Costco. I have lived in many cities in the states, i.e. Boston, Annapolis, Baltimore, Birmingham, West Palm Beach and have never seen the looks of so many bad meats in the stores. And expensive as hell. I look and think, "Are these people crazy?". Don't understand why it looks so awful. Of course natives have never seen anything else and don't see anything wrong with it.
Just don't know where I belong right now. Feel as if there is no place on earth for me. Maybe just lonely. No one wants an old broad. People don't even want to look at you in the face. I did have friends in Florida and I miss them dearly. How does one know what is the right way to go?
Went to the local senior center to try and make friends. They serve lunch there. It was like pulling teeth to get anyone to speak with me. So, I don't want to go back.It is a lovely facility with all sorts of things but you need to know someone. I am extremely shy but I did try to have conversation at a table a few times with no results. Maybe I should go out in the woods and live by myself. Maybe I am having a mental breakdown. So very depressed that it is not funny anymore and each day I wake up and say "What am I doing here?, Why do I stay?"
My family have made me feel like I am on my deathbed and that is why I had to move to California. I did want out of Florida because I went through 4 hurricanes and did not want to face another. Was very nervous of all the wildlife. Had a couple of snakes comes in to share my house with me and I am petrified of them. Lucky I had a good neighbor next door that went to bat for me cause I cannot even kill them. She had the guts to do the job and what did not do, her feisty dog did. You have not lived til you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and have a frog jump on you (I was in the dark), wake up in the morning to a frog staring at you from the wall, go out the front door to find a gigantic turtle trying to come into your house. Listing to a hurricane tear down your fence and screen enclosure and you can do nothing. Afterwards, taking a year to get the repair done. Having your cat bring you all sorts of treasures of which you cannot identify because he skinned them and ate them partially, then presented them to you in the living room. He also brought in birds live, released them to fly around the house while he sat in corner and laughed his head off. He had to bring them in through two pet doors to get into the house with them but he had no trouble doing that. Swimming in a pool and seeing a snake swim with you.
Just wish I could clear my head. I wonder more and more about life and why are we here.
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