Today, November 11, 2009. Oh, am I ever feeling blue, down and out, depressed. Went and saw my sister in the nursing home. She had a smile for me, said a very few words in response to my questions and then fell asleep while I was talking with her. I stayed and while. She would periodically open her eyes, smile and drift back off to sleep. After about a half hour I left. Get so depressed seeing her like this. She has no life and her brain seems to be gone.
Went to Costco and bought gas for my automobile. Then wandered aimlessly around the store, wishing I had a normal life, someone special in it to share my life with me. Guess I am not worthy of that. My husband died 16 years ago at the age of 49. I have been alone since then. It has been so very tough.
Leaving Costco I stopped by a park and sat for a while watching people living and being happy with their lives. There was a table of five cooking lunch on a charcoal grill. They seemed to be enjoying themselves. At another table sat a woman reading a book for a while. Then came along a woman with a young child and they ate lunch together. A woman on a bike stopped and swung on the children's swing for a few minutes. I just wanted to cry. Just don't know how to get life back.
The sweet essence of sharing your life with someone you adore taken from you unexpectedly is hard to get over. I had the responibility of taken care of my mum who was 85 at the time. I resented part of it more than I care to remember. I was trying to pick up the pieces of my life and here I had an extra burden. She lived to be 96 and will always be a much better woman than I ever dreamed of being. She knew how to be tough, how to survive, how to have fun. She was always my pillar of strength and I never knew it.
Am thinking seriously about moving back to Florida. Not because I particularly want to go back but I do have friends and a little life there. And I can afford it. California is ridiculously expensive. Just don't have that kind of money. Lost too much in stock market last year. Way too much.
Maybe I have already gone mad and don't know it. I was unhappy in Florida because I was alone with no family members. Now I can't remember why I felt like that. I did get together with people and have somewhat of a social life. It is hell getting old with no one to share your life. Wonder how many feel like I do?
My aunt's husband died before she did. They had retired from Long Island and were having a blast in Florida. She lived in Florida. All her relatives were up north. She stayed in Florida and was tough. Never asked anyone for anything. Just did what she wanted. She was lonely and went out on a date once. It did not work out and she would not go out again. If she got sick, she said nothing, just did what she had to and went about her business. Her daughter wanted her to move back north. She refused. Eventually I found her dead in her house. My mum had had a stroke and I don't think she fully realized what happened. I was crying as I loved her much. My mum kept asking me why I was crying. She knew she had died. That was so unlike my mum. I became her caretaker with very little family support. It was tough as it could be. She ended up in a nursing home and I went and visited her almost every day. Ended up giving up some girlfriends because mum came first.
