Well it is December19, 2016 and I cannot wait for the month to be over. I go into depression each December and I am trying to deny that it is December. I get another year older each December and now that I am older than dirt the depression is worse. I try to stay busy by helping others where I can. The days go faster that way.

Started going out to dinner with a friend on Saturday night about 5:30. There are 2-3 others that also come and am usually home by 8 pm. I need more friends I guess. Am not a very social person and do not like folks knowing my personal business. Have enjoyed going out for past several months and shall continue. 

My brother in law mike says he is retiring mid January. Job is giving too much stress. He is only 59 so he will probably find part time or something else. His health is not that good and stress has gotten to him. He is master electrician so don't think he will have trouble doing something else. 

February 14, 2017

happy Valentine's Day to me. Have no boyfriends, loves, etc. feeling very lonely. Kids don't seem to care or are too busy. I keep reaching out to them but get very little back. Guess I am pretty depressed with my life and I am the only one that can change it. Life just seems to get harder and harder each day as I age. Do not like this feeling. I do the best I can but continually feel I am failing at life.

Had crafts today and everyone knocked themselves out- wearing red and showing up with small gift - i.e. Candy, brownies, whipped maple syrup or a solar toy for the window. It was fun and nice to be around such great folks.  All enjoyed our little two hours of fun while working on our crafts.

Came home and had hot and sour soup. Played with Alberto, cleaned a little. Wanted to lie down but Al was having none of this so am so very tired tonight. Fell asleep before 7 then woke up at 10 and been up for several hours. Guess I will go back to sleep. Love to the world.

July 5, 2017

A very lonely time here. Few friends and I don't seem to belong anywheres. Except for my brother, rest of family has little time to speak with me.

 I guess I am in pity party mode. I need to throw out lots of stuff but can't seem to bring myself to do it. Need to start a program and just do it. Not worry about donating, just pitch it. Depressing to me. Spend too much time on computer accomplishing little.

Burnt out on crocheting but enjoy group once a week. Grace said her sister liked the baby blanket I made and sent. That is gratifying to hear.

Keep trying to stay positive. Alberto keeps me going like no one could understand. Cannot get him trained to where I want to be. Cannot get him to eat dogfood - have to bite the bullet and stand strong. If we are going out he wants to go but refuses to come to me. Does not understand and know how smart he is.

Have not spoken to Jacquie since December 2016. She cut me off. Was extremely upset but was not going to push myself on her. It has been a pleasure not listening to her problems. She is a nice person but unfortunately the negativity bowls me over. So be it. She is also crazy about Trump and I am not.

Weather here hotter than hades. The humidity killing me. Outside for 15 minutes and soaking wet. Read about dog boarding place in Tampa that left dog outside too long and it died. Just unbelievable.

Constantly fight with food. Trying to stay away from carbs which are my downfall. I was doing so well but fell off the wagon and gained 7 lbs back. Struggle, struggle.

Wish I could win lottery. Wow, would my life change. I would be out of here in a Mexican minute. Don't know where but I would get out of Florida if I could afford it. Starting to hate it here.

Saw Fourth of July celebration on tv last night, beach boys, blues brothers, etc and then fireworks. Really enjoyed it. Then off to bed with my boy. We worry about each other all night. Thank goodness someone cares.

I see my life fleeting by faster and faster and worry about stupid things I have no control over. Think about death lots more. Is that normal?

Guess I will close now and try to get some work done in house. Also have a few plants to put out in flower garden. Really enjoy seeing flowers. Absolutely no luck with vegetables in Florida. Some ate my Florida summer swamp tomatoes. Need to pull them up.

Hope my next post is more positive than this. Adios.

March 9, 2016

I have been so down and depressed recently and I do not know what to do. Just feel like crying. Guess I am very lonely. If I did not have Alberto I would probably be in a mental institution. My family is very busy with their lives and I guess they love me but I do not feel very loved.

Lee never phones and when he does he really does not care to speak to me. Caroline is relieved when she calls and I am not home so she does not have to speak to me. She leaves a message not to phone back but that we will talk in the next few weeks. I am not stupid. When I do speak with her she is always very nice.

When I phone Ron and Grace nine times out of ten no one answers the phone. I phoned my mum every Sunday morning. We caught up with what was going on. My kids don't seem to have time. I have stopped phoning as it depresses me even more.

Just feel like I belong no where. Have very little going on in my life. Even mike phones once in a while but jacqui has had many health problems. He has little time also. I am not looking for someone to entertain me but just to feel someone cares.

It is hard to get friends because at my age people do not give a damn and seem to care on,y about themselves. I have reached out a lot trying to make friends but ..........

Hate to be a complainer but this is what I am doing.

I think about going somewhere else to live where I would not have to worry about hurricanes. Just can't figure out where to go. Maybe I will just pick myself up and go somewhere else.

Jac has his hands full with his bad health. So there you go. Maybe I just expect too much from anyone.

Get tired very quickly and sometimes fall asleep for a half hour so I can get thru the day. I do get up at 5 am and can't sleep later.

I do enjoy taking Alberto to dog park and watching him play. He brings much joy to my life. Am trying to teach a reliable come command. He is getting there but not there yet. He seems to enjoy school so will have to find him one to attend.

I wonder what people do to find some joy in life?  I watch too much tv and bad tv at that. Would like to take a class but I have a bad memory and cannot remember much.  So there it is. My problems that no one wants to hear about.

Thoughts on my sister Rosalind

Yesterday, June 4 would have been my sister's 77 th birthday. In November it will be two years since she died. She had many health problems the last 15 years of her life. I tried to be there for her in many ways but do not believe it made much of a difference. I loved her much but do not know if she cared about me. I knew very little of her life. She led a very bohemian life in California. She was married three times and never found happiness. We spoke frequently all our life but very rarely really communicated.

She was 4 1/2 yrs older than I was. My mother made her drag me around with her part of the time while growing up in Alabama. She was always a pretty, popular and very social gal. I was the shrinking violet wanting to crawl into a hole if anyone as much glanced my way. The two of us were as different as night and day. She was the oldest and always got her way. We always shared a bedroom while growing up.

Once she went away to college she never returned. She married at twenty and eventually she and her husband ended up in California where they got divorced after living there several years. She went to Berkley and got her degree and then her masters. She taught anthropology. I believe after the divorce she went wild and did what she could to survive. She married again but the marriage was only a few years. She lived in LA with her second husband and then Indiana as I remember where she met husband three who was a student at Purdue. They moved to Northern California after he graduated. Eventually this marriage fell apart and they were divorced.

The third divorce finished her off mentally and she never recovered. We (her family) never really knew what happened. I do believe she had some mental illness. She had epilepsy and had many seizures. Not being a physician, I have no idea of ramifications of all these seizures.

Although she was my sister, I really never had a close relationship or felt that she cared about me. Sure we spoke on the phone and visited a few times but there was nothing there. For that I am very sad. She adored our mum and spoke with her almost every day.

Life is strange. Even tho we did not have much of a relationship, I grieve for her. I think of her often and wish things could have been different.

Our younger brother took it upon himself to become her guardian after she fell apart. I am eternally grateful. I was taking care of our mother at this point and she was living with me. I know my brother resented having to take this burden upon himself  and maybe he just should have let the state do it. She never had children. Her nephews never did anything I guess because she ignored them for the most part. I wished they had stepped up to the plate a little, just to give my brother a little relief. Guess they never saw it that way. Life is a two way street and he never would have asked them for help. They were all old enough but cared not to do anything. It made me sad to see this.

I am sorry dear Rosalind that we never really had a relationship once we grew up. I could have used a sister many times. I hope you and mum are together in heaven with our father.

January 24, 2015

Saturday January 24, 2015

Much has happened since my last post. My children came and visited me for my birthday. It was great. I have a wonderful family. It took them five years to get here. I really wanted them to see where I lived, who Alberto is, what my life is like etc. I hope they enjoyed it v

I have become a diabetic and struggle with what not to eat. I have also been diagnosed with an in curable blood disease that I must reckon with for the rest of my life. It petrified me but there is no cure only management with pills.

I have days when I am terribly depressed, days when I dare not leave the house as the medicines are playing havoc with my tummy. I don't complain. No one wants to hear it so I just try to have a little fun with Alberto. He is always happy. I observe and try to learn from him. I get tired very easily and have no stamina to do much. My head says one thing and my body something else.

I probably should have stayed in California but I did not want to be there. My support group is there but in all essence I am alone. After becoming a widow I never tried to meet men to have a relationship of some kind. No one could measure up to my husband. Now I am too old. It is going on 22 years without him. Not a day goes by that I do not think of him and miss him.

I struggle with weight and managed to lose 20 lbs but need to lose much more.   In my head I know I would feel better but cannot seem to do what I should to just get the job done.

Ron and Lee work so very hard. Too many hours. They are so lucky to have such great spouses and children. I adore them all. Just wish I did not live so far away from them. Perhaps I will win the powerbalk tonite and solve my problem. I can only dream b

August 13 2014

Am so depressed. It has taken me almost a week to get the test strips and machine to check my blood sugar. Dr did not write Rx correctly for insurance and government. Been to pharmacy three times and it still was not right. Pharmacy just phoned to say it was ready. I now have to go and pick up and make appointment with doctor so they can show me how to use. Had to phone doctors office three times. You have to have on Rx how mant times you must test a day and doctor left it off.

Keep hearing about lots of deaths. Robin Williams, Lauren  bacall, scientist in japan that killed himself because his stem cell research was questioned. I know we can all die at any moment in time but I feel like "is this my last day on earth today?"  Worry about my little Alberto and hope that Ron will come and take him and love him like I do if I die. He is really a love and keeps me going.

Went to bingo today to stay busy in riverwalk. It was ok. Much better than last one.

Went to doggie park early. Not many dogs just jack, Douglas and Lola. He liked Lola. Never seen her before. She is border collie and nice.

Have to exercise on bike cause I did not have enough time to swim today.