Today is Tuesday, November 11, 2009. I have been in California for now four months. I do not understand California and wish I were not here. I have a hard time understanding California. It is a huge, diverse state. My image is that people are what I consider to be very "plastic". They profess to be very friendly but there is nothing there. At least on the East Coast of the United States people may be not so very nice all the time but you know where they are coming from. They are honest in their conversations.

I guess this will be the ramblings of a woman going mad. A widow for 16 years and one who has always been a caretaker since grown. First of two chiildren,countless animals, then my mom, after my husband died at the age of 49. I have never been so miserable in my life. Cannot figure out what to do with myself. Moved out here to be close to my son, his wife, and a grandson but they are living an hour away. If I am lucky I get to see them for a few hours on the weekend. They are busy with their lives during the week but make time for me on the weekends, thank God. Finding out I cannot afford to live here. Thinking strongly of going back to Florida where I know I will not become homeless and will have a better lifestyle.

Everything is so expensive here that people have to live outdoors most of the time because their homes are so very small for the most part. You really cannot live decently out here. I went to a flea market and saw people buying this and that and all I could think of is "Where are they going to put it?".

The fruits and vegetables are abundant and gorgeous. The meat and chicken in the store are terrible. I understand why there are so many vegetarians here. The meat in the Safeway is horrible. Does not even look good. Thank God for Costco. I have lived in many cities in the states, i.e. Boston, Annapolis, Baltimore, Birmingham, West Palm Beach and have never seen the looks of so many bad meats in the stores. And expensive as hell. I look and think, "Are these people crazy?". Don't understand why it looks so awful. Of course natives have never seen anything else and don't see anything wrong with it.

Just don't know where I belong right now. Feel as if there is no place on earth for me. Maybe just lonely. No one wants an old broad. People don't even want to look at you in the face. I did have friends in Florida and I miss them dearly. How does one know what is the right way to go?

Went to the local senior center to try and make friends. They serve lunch there. It was like pulling teeth to get anyone to speak with me. So, I don't want to go back.It is a lovely facility with all sorts of things but you need to know someone. I am extremely shy but I did try to have conversation at a table a few times with no results. Maybe I should go out in the woods and live by myself. Maybe I am having a mental breakdown. So very depressed that it is not funny anymore and each day I wake up and say "What am I doing here?, Why do I stay?"

My family have made me feel like I am on my deathbed and that is why I had to move to California. I did want out of Florida because I went through 4 hurricanes and did not want to face another. Was very nervous of all the wildlife. Had a couple of snakes comes in to share my house with me and I am petrified of them. Lucky I had a good neighbor next door that went to bat for me cause I cannot even kill them. She had the guts to do the job and what did not do, her feisty dog did. You have not lived til you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and have a frog jump on you (I was in the dark), wake up in the morning to a frog staring at you from the wall, go out the front door to find a gigantic turtle trying to come into your house. Listing to a hurricane tear down your fence and screen enclosure and you can do nothing. Afterwards, taking a year to get the repair done. Having your cat bring you all sorts of treasures of which you cannot identify because he skinned them and ate them partially, then presented them to you in the living room. He also brought in birds live, released them to fly around the house while he sat in corner and laughed his head off. He had to bring them in through two pet doors to get into the house with them but he had no trouble doing that. Swimming in a pool and seeing a snake swim with you.

Just wish I could clear my head. I wonder more and more about life and why are we here.